There is nothing better than falling in love.
The rush of romance. The feeling that you finally met your perfect match, and now that you’ve found “IT,” your work is done.
But fast forward a couple of years and suddenly all those little habits you once were able to overlook have gotten really irritating.
And all the concerns you thought were going to “change” or “get better” … well, they haven’t improved at all.
He hasn’t gotten more ambitious like he promised. She hasn’t wanted to have sex as often as she did before. You aren’t biting your tongue like you did in the beginning.
Her shopping habit isn’t cute anymore. His constant sporting event Sundays are really boring. You aren’t laughing together like you used to.
Things have gotten harder. Annoying. Trying. NOT fun and easy. Boring, even.
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What happened to that feeling? Why did it change?
Is it you? Is it them? Is love just impossible?
Is love only good in the beginning, and then just held together through obligation or convenience… or fear of loneliness?
For 40 years, thousands of heartbroken singles and struggling couples have sat in my office, all asking me the same question:
Year after year, decade after decade, society changes, but love problems stay the same:
Lust fades. Love gets more difficult. People don’t know what to do, and give up.
Intimate partners who were once madly in love descend into a boring, uninspiring union. People cheat. Someone leaves. The fire once lit by passion now burns with anger and hurt.
Problems like these have produced a divorce rate that fluctuates between forty and fifty percent in the US, depending on the statistic sampled. The couples who make it to thirty-five years drop to one in five, and by fifty years only one in twenty.
And those statistics don't measure the satisfaction of those couples that do stay together.
Most people try long-term coupling again, and those numbers appear even more discouraging. Second and third marriages succeed even less often, with some reports as high as seventy-percent failures.
Why is this happening? And, more importantly, how can we change it?
The early rush of love is the sweetest of experiences. When we find it, the joy we feel convinces us that we will be happy forever. We can’t possibly imagine that our “soul mate” will ever disappoint us, and we do whatever it takes to preserve those glorious, excited feelings.
But in our effort to “make all the good feelings last,” we end up taking the very actions that guarantee love will end:
Because the person we are dating is so wonderful, the discovery so exciting, and the joy of feeling known and knowing so powerful, we ignore all the potential problems instead of dealing with them.
We are confident that these problems are no big deal. After all, our love is “meant to be,” and the person we are with is so amazing that we don’t want to “rock the boat” in any way.
But all these little “white lies” or “bit tongues” or “small problems” will eventually become bigger and more hurtful when you are no longer in la-la-lust land.
And all the truths you didn’t tell will hurt a lot more later.
All the habits you thought you could deal with when you had stars in your eyes will become virtually unbearable.
And you won’t be able to be the “facebook you” any longer. It’s too exhausting.
All the things you didn’t bring up before will have become the norm, so you’ll feel like it’s too late to say anything now. Or you’ll just explode from pent up frustration.
In other words:
I know that sounds dire. But after 40 years and 100,000 hours counseling heartbroken individuals and couples, it would feel dire to you too.
Romantic comedies, happily ever afters, “meant to bes,” “soul mate” – none of this prepares us for real, lasting love.
They just set us up for disappointment, condition us to create bad habits in the critical first years, and prevent us from learning the skills that not only make love last, but allow us to transform into the best people we can be.
It’s understandable that we want to believe in the romantic comedy version of love. It’s what we know, and it’s euphoric for as long as it lasts.
But here’s the good news: heroic love is better.
Heroic love lasts. It’s built on a sturdy foundation and only gets stronger as the relationship continues.
It doesn’t ask you to be fake. In fact, it demands the opposite.
It’s never boring. You experience the exciting joy of constant discovery and transformation, all in the presence of your most beloved.
You get to be who you are, share your truth, and live to your fullest potential.
It’s the sweetest romance there is.
That’s because nothing we take for granted can be treasured.
Nothing that keeps us stagnant can ignite our imaginations.
When we approach our relationship like heroes, we dare to be authentic. We commit fiercely to our relationship and our transformation. We create a love that is more profound, more soul-satisfying, than we ever imagined.
When people come to see me, filled with despair and yearning for something better, I teach them how to create heroic love: from what it takes to create a foundation that’s built to last, to how to repair a relationship that’s already crumbling.
Person after person, couple after couple – all ages, all genders, all types – have made massive breakthroughs before my eyes. To say that this job has given my life meaning is an understatement.
As I grew older, it became increasingly important to me to write a book that could help a much larger audience. That’s why I created Heroic Love: to help couples and singles get the benefits of being in therapy with me, for a fraction of the cost and time.
Heroic Love is my life’s work. It’s the culmination of 4 degrees, thousands of patients, two counseling licenses, and over 40 years working with men and women who want something more from their love lives.
It is a new path to love, one that exposes you to the distorted lens most of us have been looking through, and shows you the truth about what it takes to make a relationship work.
To do this, you need to know how to transform areas of conflict to opportunities for intimacy… how to truthfully present who you are to your partner, and explore your relationship like an uncharted kingdom.
You need to know how to create the right foundation for lasting love, and take advantage of the critical early years to build tools for regeneration, continued inspiration, and authentic connection.
And you need to understand how to the be the kind of partner that no man or woman could dream of leaving. (This is one of the most crucial things I want to teach you – and one of the biggest causes for conflict and heartbreak that I encounter).
This book will teach you all the skills you need to find the right person, build a quality relationship, stay aware of warning signs of deterioration, fight to keep it alive, and triumph over statistics that predict doom, including:
Plus – you can choose the format that’s just right for your lifestyle:
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I believe in the core of my being that nothing is better or more rewarding than love. Yet again and again I see promising couples who once loved each other throw it away at the earliest sign of struggle.
Heroes don’t run for cover when things get tough. They square their shoulders, grab their swords, and ferociously fight for the things they love.
The things in our lives that we have really wanted, worked hard for, and finally attained are the most precious.
This book is what you need to get the sweetest of rewards: love that constantly blooms, connection that continually surprises, and a partner fighting all of life’s demons at your side.